Love Looking for Words
by SparkELee
Summary: A series of Jesse/Rachel drabbles set to music. Similar to the iPod challenge on Noah/Rachel boards.
1. Breakeven

A/N: So this is going to be a multi-chapter song based story. It will jump in time, the individual drabbles don't necessarily go hand in hand.

A/N 2: Note: They aren't actually singing the songs, it's more that the drabble is based on the songs.

Love Looking for Words

Chapter 1: Breakeven

_Her best days will be some of my worst  
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first_

He watched her face break into that megawatt smile that was undoubtedly her trademark. She wrapped her arms around the tall guy with the mohawk. He squeezed her tight to him and whispered in her ear.

Jesse turned his eyes from her, he didn't… he couldn't watch.

He'd played his role perfectly.

And she'd beat him.

She'd beat him at his own game.

She, along with her team, swept Regionals and Nationals right out from underneath Vocal Adrenaline.

She's also swept his heart right from his chest and called him on his game before he'd pulled the rug out from under her.

Rachel walked away without a backwards glance.

He'd underestimated her. It wouldn't be the last time.

_What am I suppose to say  
When I'm all choked up and you're okay_

Tail tucked between his legs, he left her behind, unaware of her eyes on his back.

* * *

New York was home now. It had been for the past three years.

He knew she was there. He nearly looked her up at least half a dozen times. Each time, he got a little closer before he clicked out of and slammed his laptop shut.

He knew she was there because he'd been to all of her shows, some of them even twice.

It would be a year before he got the nerve to friend request her on Facebook.

It only took her a day to deny his request.

He'd expected some sort of message to accompany the denial.

There was no message, no explanation. Just cold, hard denial.

It cut like a knife.

* * *

Coincidence, purely coincidence, landed them at the same audition for the latest production of Rent.

Her eyes met his, her dark gaze calmly returned his gaze. She gave him a brief nod before turning back to her script.

He opened his mouth three times but nothing came out.

He wasn't sure what he was trying to say.

To say sorry now… It seemed like a moot point.

He let his gaze drop and something shiny caught his eye.

A diamond ring.

On her left hand.

And it was then that he knew what to say.

When his name was called, he stood and made his way over to the woman who'd called his name.

He paused at her chair.

Tentatively he'd rested his hand on her arm.

"Congratulations."

_I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing  
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in  
'Cause I got time while she got freedom  
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven_

Chapter 1 is done! Look for 2 soon!

Please, tell me what you think!


	2. Fifteen

A/N: So this is going to be a multi-chapter song based story. It will jump in time, the individual drabbles don't necessarily go hand in hand.

A/N 2: Note: They aren't actually singing the songs, it's more that the drabble is based on the songs.

Love Looking for Words

Chapter 2: Fifteen

_You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors  
It's the morning of your very first day_

Rachel heard the front door open and close and glanced up from her desk.

"Hey Liv. How was your first day?"

Olivia rolled her bright green eyes. "Totally lame, but you know, it's whatever." Liv replied uninterested as she headed off to her bedroom.

"Homework?" She called after her daughter.

"Later." Was the short reply.

Rachel smiled ruefully. She was most definitely her father's daughter.

The man in question came strolling through the door as if on cue.

"Noah."

"Rachel. She ready?"

"I'll get her."

Rachel stood and made her way to Olivia's room. She knocked gently before pushing the door open.

"Liv, dad's here for you." She told her daughter.

The 15 year old glanced up from her sprawled out position on her bed.

"Not going."

"Olivia. We've talked about this." Rachel used her warning tone as she crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"He cheated on us." Liv shot back, her green eyes flashing.

Rachel smiled sadly at her daughter. "Sweetheart, he cheated on me. He loves you very much, and you need to gather your things and spend time with him. And consider yourself lucky to have both of us, OK sweetheart?"

Olivia rolled her eyes dramatically and stood. She snatched her overnight bag from her closet and began throwing her clothes for the week into it.

Finished, she turned to her mother. "I'll see you Friday baby." Rachel muttered as she gave her daughter a quick hug.

FRIDAY

Rachel heard her daughter's hurried footsteps before she appeared.

Olivia burst through the door, her cell phone glued to her ear as she spoke excitedly, barely acknowledging her mother as she flew past.

"I know! I can't believe it! He's 17 too! I never thought he'd ask me out! I'm not sure what I'm gonna wear yet but I'm going to look now!" She prattled on as she hurried to her room.

_Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say  
"You know, I haven't seen you around before"_

Rachel stared after her daughter, her eyes a bit wet.

"My baby's growing up." She muttered to herself as she stood and followed her daughter back to her room.

Olivia was off the phone and digging through her closet.

"Liv? Want to tell me what that was all about?" Rachel asked as she stepped into the room.

"Mom! Hi! So I'm going out tonight, on a date, with a boy! His name's Justin and he's gorgeous and he's 17 and he likes me! We're going out for dinner and then he's taking me to a play in Central Park." Liv fired back without taking her eyes off her wardrobe.

Rachel hid her smile as she gazed at her daughter. "First date's a big deal. What do you know about this boy?" She questioned, slipping into 'mom mode'.

"Only, like, everything. He's popular, smart, super hot, pretty nice. I mean, he's great, a little vain I guess, but whatever. The point is, he asked me out!" Olivia explained, her eyes rolling at her mother's concern.

"Well, is he picking you up here?" She asked at last.

Olivia nodded. "Actually, his dad is dropping him off, then we're gonna walk to dinner and then the Park." She explained.

"Good, well I'd like to meet him." Rachel replied and turned to leave her daughter in peace.

"Mom?"

"Liv?"

"Can we um…. Can we not tell dad just yet?"

Rachel rolled her eyes and nodded. "You got it."

Three hours later the doorbell rang. Olivia screeched and ran down the hall.

Rachel halted her with her hand. "I'll get it. I'd like to meet the young man." She informed her daughter.

Liv took a deep breath and nodded. Rachel smiled and swung open the door and froze.

"Hi. I'm Justin St. James. You must be Olivia's mother." The young man greeted as he offered her his hand.

Her eyes widened as she took his hand. "H-Hi Justin. Come on in, Liv's in the living room." She told him as she stepped back to allow him entrance, still stunned at the identity of the boy.

The two teenagers conversed while Rachel stepped away to compose herself.

She hadn't seen or thought of Jesse in years. His high school stunt had burned her and she'd done everything she could to remove him from her thoughts.

And now he was back, and his son was taking her daughter out on a date.

And now her fingers were trembling. Olivia mentioned his father was dropping him off. Was he still there? Did he know his son was taking her daughter out?

She briefly considered calling Noah and having him deal with it. They may be divorced but he would most definitely not like their former rival dating their daughter.

"Can't do that to her." She murmured as she splashed cool water on her face before re-joining the kids in the living room.

_Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday  
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine_

She reappeared just as the doorbell rang again.

She furrowed her brow as she made her way to the door.

Rachel opened the door and the greeting died in her throat.

"Hi, I'm Jes- Rachel?" He cut himself off as recognition dawned on him instantly.

"Jesse." She croaked out, her eyes nearly bugging out of head.

"Dad?" Justin appeared next to Rachel at the door, oblivious to the obvious tension between the two adults.

Jesse's head snapped in the direction of his son. "Left your wallet in the car." Jesse told him as he handed his son his wallet.

Rachel had opened and closed her mouth no less than 4 times. "We're going to get going mom." Olivia said, drawing her mother out of her thick trance. She shook her head slightly and realized Jesse had retreated back several feet and was almost to the stairs.

Despite the awkward situation, Rachel smiled warmly at her daughter. "Have a great time baby." She told her as the kids stepped out.

She closed the door behind them and allowed her body to sink back against it as she expelled a giant sigh.

A knock startled her out her relief filled sigh.

She turned and peeked out the peephole. Jesse.

She sighed and opened the door.

"Hi."

"Hello Jesse." She replied stoically, her eyes narrowed and her tone cool.

"So… I just… I wanted you to know that I didn't know Olivia was your daughter. Her last name never rang a bell and all I guess I didn't put two and two together. Puckerman, that was the guy with the mohawk, Nate, right?"

"Noah." She correctly tightly, not bothering to move from the entrance, preventing him from coming in.

"Right, sorry, so you guys are married now huh?" He asked, his attempt to be nice was genuine but awkward nonetheless.

"Were married. We've been divorced for two years." She informed him warily.

He eyed her critically. "Rachel, you know we aren't in high school anymore. I'm not that guy anymore. You can't still be mad about something that happened twenty years ago." He suggested, his tone neutral and void of the cocky undertone he'd carried in high school.

"Certainly I'm not mad at you anymore, however, that doesn't mean I've got much to say to you. I'm going to be honest with you. The idea of my daughter dating your son… Well, as they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." She told him coldly.

To his credit, he was genuinely hurt by her words.

"Rachel, I apologized. Profusely." He reminded her as he took a step closer.

She remained firm at the door, she wasn't going to be intimidated.

"I'm aware, I was there." Was her curt response.

"My son is a good kid. He really likes Olivia. She's all he talks about. He has good intentions."

_When all you wanted was to be wanted  
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now_

"I really liked you. I had good intentions. You, you were the one with the agenda." She shot back, her voice lower now.

"I know. And I told you a hundred times I really liked you. You never believed me."

"Jesse, we aren't doing this. Not now, not ever."

His face pleaded with her. "Look, you know I've always been a believer in fate. You might not be, but I am. The world wanted us to meet again." He told her, his voice an octave higher as he tried to convince her this meeting was written in the stars.

She rolled her eyes. "I see you've not toned down the drama."

"Broadway'll do that to a guy." He replied ruefully.

"Yeah, well, that's great for you. I've got some things to attend to, so…" She trailed off.

He nodded. "It was nice to see you Rachel."

"Bye Jesse." She replied quietly.

The door was nearly shut when his foot stopped it.

"For what it's worth, not that you'll believe me, but I loved you. I loved you as much as a 17 year old kid can love a girl. It killed me to do what I did, I'm still not proud of my actions, I can't even bring myself to tell my son what I did. I was and still am, very sorry."

_'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you  
You're gonna believe them_

She listened to his words through the door.

"I'm not… I'm not asking for forgiveness, I'm not asking you out, I'm not coming onto you, I just… I'd just like you to give Justin a chance. He didn't do what I did. He's better than me."

She bowed her head at his words.

"OK."

Her fingers were still curled around the door. A moment later, she felt his fingers over hers.

"Goodnight Jesse." She whispered softly.

"Goodnight Rachel. I look forward to seeing you soon." He replied, his hand squeezing hers before retreating down the stairs.

Rachel shut the door and quietly slid down the cool wood before plopping down on soft carpet.

_I've found time can heal most anything  
And you just might find who you're supposed to be_


	3. Need You Now

A/N: So this is going to be a multi-chapter song based story. It will jump in time, the individual drabbles don't necessarily go hand in hand.

A/N 2: Note: They aren't actually singing the songs, it's more that the drabble is based on the songs.

Love Looking for Words

Chapter 3: I Need You Now

**July 2013**

_Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore_

"H-hey good lookin', what's going on?" She slurred into the phone.

Jesse rubbed his eyes and struggled to sit up.

"Rachel? Is that you?"

"Course it is. Who else would it be?" She replied cheekily.

A moment later she hiccupped loudly into the phone and fell into a fit of giggles.

He sighed heavily and glanced at the bedside alarm clock.

1:24 AM.

"Where are you?"

Another hiccup then a soft sigh. "My apartment. 832 West 193rd. Apartment 5B. Come over."

Jesse groaned to himself. "Rach. Listen, I heard about you and Finn, I'm sorry that-"

"It's Ok. Never mind, I'm fine, I don't wanna talk about him. I'm sorry I called. I promised myself I wouldn't bother you."

_Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now_

"Rachel, I'm not really sure why you called me to begin with." He admitted softly.

He could almost hear her shrug. "No one else to call."

"What about your friends from Lima?" He asked.

She laughed harshly. "They are not my friends. Nevermind Jesse. Shoulda known better."

"I'm sorry you don't have anyone to talk to, but it's a little strange, hearing from you out of the blue after 3 years, especially since you're clearly intoxicated."

He didn't mean to sound like a bastard, he really didn't. He really didn't mean for it to come out that way.

"You're right. I'm sorry. Goodnight Jesse."

And with that, she clicked off.

He stared at his phone in shock.

His first conversation with Rachel Berry in three years and she probably wouldn't remember in the morning.

He laid there for another 30 minutes before he accepted that sleep was not going to be overtaking him anytime soon.

Jesse sighed heavily and stood. He grabbed a pair of old jeans, a t-shirt and a black hoodie. He collected his keys and headed out.

Twenty minutes later he was in front of her apartment.

He stepped to the door just as a woman passed by. He grabbed the door behind her and hurried up the 5 flights to her apartment.

She heard a soft knock at her door. Rachel grabbed onto the couch and pushed herself into the standing position and made her way unsteadily to the door.

Rachel threw open the door with a big smile. The moment she saw Jesse, her smile faltered considerably before dropping from her face entirely.

"Rachel." He breathed, taking in her appearance.

Her hair was slightly mussed, her eyes were bloodshot and she was gripping a bottle of Grey Goose in her left hand.

"What are you doing here?" She asked him unsteadily as she turned and headed back to the living room.

He took that as permission to enter, so he followed.

"I wanted to apologize for being an asshole on the phone. And I was bit worried. I've never met drunk Rachel before."

She laughed bitterly. "I've been drunk Rachel for awhile now." She informed him as she flopped down on the floor.

_Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor_

He surveyed the room around her. All the picture of her and Finn were scattered around her on the floor.

He sat down in the chair next to her and watched silently as she sorted through the various photos, making faces or snorting at certain ones.

She happened upon the one of the two of them at her graduation. Her engagement ring shone brightly on her left hand.

The sight of this one reduced her to tears. She sniffed loudly before bringing the bottle to her lips.

"OK, Rach, that's enough of that." Jesse intervened and gently removed her fingers from their grasp on the bottle.

"But… It… I'm… I need… It helps…" 

"You're completely trashed."

"I'm fine."

"You called me, you're 'sworn enemy'. Obviously you are not fine."

She pushed the hair out of her face and gazed up at him.

"Do you ever think about me?"

Ahhh. So drunk Rachel was a bold Rachel.

_And I wonder if I ever cross your mind  
For me it happens all the time_

"I think about you sometimes." She admitted quietly.

He gave her a half grin and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

He opened his mouth to speak but she beat him to it.

She let out a choked sob. "I can't believe I didn't see it coming. He… He just up and left. One day I was engaged and the next I was alone." She heaved out, her breath coming out in short bursts.

He squeezed her shoulder as the tears poured down her cheeks.

"It hurts so much." She whispered hoarsely.

_Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all_

"That's good, it means you're human, it means you'll learn from this. You'll come out of this a stronger person." He whispered quietly.

She turned her gaze to him, sucking in a big breath.

"When did you develop feelings?"

He laughed at her blatant yet warranted question.

"Happens with age." He shrugged lightly.

"Humility looks good on you." She confessed, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

He caught her hand as she dropped it from her face.

He pulled her hand to his knee and squeezed it tightly.

"I think about you all the time." He whispered.

A/N: Well? How was it? Good for you?


	4. Ever Ever After

A/N: So this is going to be a multi-chapter song based story. It will jump in time, the individual drabbles don't necessarily go hand in hand.

A/N 2: Note: They aren't actually singing the songs, it's more that the drabble is based on the songs.

Love Looking for Words

Chapter 4: Ever Ever After

_Storybook endings, fairy tales coming true  
Deep down inside we want to believe they still do_

Her face was practically radiating excitement. She was this close to shrieking and jumping up and down. But she was too old for that and as her mother would say, it wasn't very ladylike.

Laine pushed a strand of her hair back into place as her father stepped up beside her.

"Excited?" He asked teasingly.

She grinned up at him, her eyes those of her mother's.

He melted a little at the expression on her face.

"Insanely. Trying to keep it together though, mom says-"

"It's your wedding day. Forget what your mom says." He told her, a small grin playing at his lips.

_Start a new fashion, wear your heart on your sleeve  
Sometimes you reach what's real just by making believe_

A few moments later, they started up the aisle.

All too soon he was preparing to hand off his daughter to her soon to be husband.

He leaned in and kissed her cheek.

"Daddy?"

"Yes baby?"

"I'm so telling her what you said."

He grinned down at her.

"I don't expect anything less."

With one final squeeze of her hand, he released her and sat down beside his wife. He casually threw his arm behind her on the back of the pew and focused on his only daughter's wedding.

She immediately turned to him. "What was that all about?" She stage whispered to her husband.

He sighed and without turning to look at her, he lifted the arm that was behind her and wrapped his hand around her mouth, effectively shutting her up.

Her eyes widened momentarily before she narrowed them at him. He knew that look very well but at this moment, he wasn't going to fall prey to it. Not on his daughter's wedding day.

Hours later, after they'd arrived at the reception, after dinner had been eaten and the cake had been cut, after all the excitement had died down, he pulled his wife to her feet.

"Dance with me." He suggested as he led her to the floor.

"I know what you said to her." Rachel informed him nonchalantly.

"I know."

"You aren't in trouble."

"I'm not?" 

"No. How can I fault her for feeling exactly how I did all those years ago?"

_Each happy ending's a brand new beginning  
Let yourself be enchanted, you just might break through_

He grinned down at his petite wife and swept her up in a kiss that still stopped her heart even all those years later.

"Ready to start over? Just you and me?" He asked, his forehead pressed to hers.

"You know it."

_Ever ever after  
The world can be yours if you let your heart  
Believe in ever after_


	5. Half of My Mistakes

A/N: So this is going to be a multi-chapter song based story. It will jump in time, the individual drabbles don't necessarily go hand in hand.

A/N 2: Note: They aren't actually singing the songs, it's more that the drabble is based on the songs.

Love Looking for Words

Chapter 5: Half of My Mistakes

_Half of my mistakes I swear, I should've known better_

"Rachel."

His simple greeting cut her like a knife. She froze. Her heart leapt into her throat. It took everything she had to keep from turning to face him.

She should have known better. Of course her sanctuary would involve music. Of course he'd figure that out.

It was stupid of her to return to the music store they'd met at. She refused to dwell on the idea that it might have been the doing of her subconscious. That level of betrayal wouldn't be entertained, not now, not ever.

She tensed when she felt his hand on her arm.

"Please look at me." He pleaded softly.

"I don't think that would be a wise idea Jesse. What with your fondness for poultry offspring." She hissed back as she attempted to wrench her arm from his grasp. His touch made her skin tingle and a shiver coursed down her spine. She cursed her body for reacting to the traitor.

He held tight and if anything, pulled her a touch closer.

"I made a mistake." He confessed softly, his voice uncharacteristically sad and genuine.

"Just one?" She bit out, her tone patronizing and angry.

He winced at the harsh words. She was mad. Genuinely mad and obviously still quite hurt.

"I made mistakes. I made many of them. And the thing is, I could stand here and apologize for them and tell you I'd take them all back. I could do that but it wouldn't be true, not entirely." He was trying to explain, hoping in vain she'd listen and hear him out.

"That's a lovely revelation but I really would rather not listen to this, whatever this is." She informed him, again she tried to pull free, again he held tight.

"I learn everything the hard way. I don't listen to what people tell me. I do what I want, when I want. And when I want something, I don't stop until it's mine. I make the same mistakes, not just once, and sometimes not just twice."

_Nobody can tell you a damn thing, if you ain't listening  
Oh, And half of my mistakes I've made 'cause I couldn't let go_

"I took an assignment because I thought it would be a good learning experience. I tried to seduce you because I thought it would make you weaker. I transferred to your school because you're stronger than I gave you credit for and I needed to see if I could break you. The eggs… I needed… I needed validation. But the thing is, all those things… Even if I could take them back… I don't know if it would have done any good."

_If I it all to do over  
I'm sure I'd win and lost just as much_

"Really? Seems to me you would have done much better had you not tried to ruin me and my club." She shot back as angry tears rolled down her face.

He leaned closer to her ear.

"I wouldn't have fared any better because I wouldn't have known you. I was so caught up in trying to ruin you and your club that I didn't see the big picture. Glee… Nationals… None of it will matter in a few years. All that will matter is what we are at that moment, what we've been able to accomplish, that will matter. That, and this moment, this moment right here will matter.

_But spend alot less time on right and wrong  
And a lot more time on love_

He heard her voice catch but she refused to turn to meet his gaze.

"I guess all I'm saying is that I can't take it all back. I can't. I can't take back meeting you. I can't. All I can do is tell you that I would have handled things differently. And it wouldn't be about beating you, not for me. It would have been about what we were, what we could have been." He explained softly, his other hand tracing slow circles along her wrist.

_Half of my mistakes I'd give anything to change how it ended_

"And what exactly could we have been Jesse?" She barked out, her tone harsh and demanding.

"Amazing." He whispered out, his breath tickling her ear.

"I can't apologize for all of them because the reality is, they brought me to you. I did some terrible things to you, things that I don't deserve your forgiveness for, which is why I'm not asking for it. Instead, I'd just like to tell you that I'm incredibly sorry for my actions and that I have you to thank for making me realize that there are more things in life than a singing competition, things that are more important. I didn't see that before but I do now. I see that I've missed out on something great. But I refuse to apologize for meeting you. I can't… I won't take that back."

_'Cause half the good things in my life came from half of my mistakes  
Yeah, a lot of good things in my life came from half of my mistakes_

With that, he released his hold from her and stepped away. He watched her for a moment, hoping against hope she'd turn around.

She didn't. She couldn't.

She heard his soft sigh of resignation and his soft footsteps as he made his way out of the library.

She finally managed to get the signal from her brain to her feet and she followed him.

Jesse felt a tap on his shoulder just as he reached the sidewalk.

"I accept your apology." She told him solemnly.

He opened his mouth to speak but she held up a finger, indicating she wasn't finished.

"You're right. You lost your shot. And I can't say that you're going to get another one."

He sucked in a breath and nodded. He knew that much. But hearing it… Hearing it from her, that was a whole other pain he hadn't encountered yet.

"But I can't say that you won't either." She finished softly.

His head jerked up to look at her but she was already walking away. He watched her confidently stride towards her car, head held high, shoulders squared.

Maybe one day she'd be walking towards him and not away.


	6. Better as a Memory

A/N: So this is going to be a multi-chapter song based story. It will jump in time, the individual drabbles don't necessarily go hand in hand.

A/N 2: Note: They aren't actually singing the songs, it's more that the drabble is based on the songs.

Love Looking for Words

Chapter 6: Better as a Memory

_But I'm better as a memory than as your man_

He knew he shouldn't be there. He was a glutton for punishment, that much was obvious.

But she was right there, less than 100 feet from him.

She was built for the stage. She was never more beautiful than in the moments she spent on stage. He'd know, he'd been to every performance she'd given since he'd gotten to New York.

Not that she'd know. No, he'd made sure of that.

He'd killed her spirit once. He wouldn't do it again.

She'd moved past the likes of him. She deserved more, and he was determined to make sure she had it, even if that meant keeping her away from him.

_I struggle sometimes to find the words  
Always sure until I doubt  
Walk a line until it blurs  
Build walls too high to climb out  
But I'm honest to a fault  
That's just who I am_

"When were you going to tell me you'd moved to New York?"

Her melodic voice broke through his early morning haze. He'd been buried in a script at the Starbucks on the corner for more than an hour before she'd appeared in front of him.

Words escaped him. He didn't have an answer. Not one that would satisfy her.

But it wasn't as if she was going to walk away without one.

He offered her a half hearted shrug. "We haven't exactly been on speaking terms, Rachel. I honestly didn't think my presence would ever be noticed. And even if it had been, I assumed it wouldn't be welcome." He explained quietly.

She plopped down across from him. "We aren't in high school anymore, Jesse. You know that." She informed him crossly.

"I'm aware of that. I just… I thought it best to keep my distance. Please understand that. I have my reasons." He confessed as he stood.

Her jaw dropped as he turned his back on her.

"Are you really going to walk out right now?" She questioned, now on her feet.

He stopped and released an audible sigh. He turned, his blue eyes pleading with her now. "Don't do this Rachel. I'm asking, very nicely, for you to not do this right now. Please. I… I have to do this. Trust me, this right here, it's for the best." He told her softly.

He didn't give her an opportunity to reply. He just turned, squared his shoulders, and walked out.

Thank goodness for the abundance of coffee shops in New York.

_Break my heart, but it won't bleed  
My only friends are pirates  
That's just who I am_

She wasn't willing to give up. She made that perfectly clear when she showed up at the small theater he was performing in about six weeks after their run in.

Rachel took at seat at the back of the theater, hidden in the shadows.

He knew better. He always had a bit of sixth sense when it came to the petite brunette.

It was an hour before the director called a break. He strode purposefully towards the back of the theater.

"What are you doing here?" He bluntly asked when he reached the last row.

His voice held no malice or anger. It was void of any emotion, actually.

She met his gaze. "I don't agree with you." She stated plainly.

He furrowed his eyebrows at her. "What are you talking about?" He questioned, not sure what exactly she was referring to.

"You said it was for the best. You said staying away from me was for the best. I thought about it and I decided you were wrong. I don't agree with it." She clarified, offering him a small grin.

He sighed. _That's what she was talking about._

"Oh Rach… If only it was that simple." He muttered, running a hand through his tousled curls.

"Can't it be that simple?" She queried, her eyes pleading for him to agree.

He wasn't entirely convinced she knew what she was asking of him.

"Rachel, don't you know by now? Nothing with us was ever simple." He said as he heaved a heavy sigh.

She was breaking him. Piece by piece, she was breaking the wall he'd put up to protect her. She really needed to stop.

"I have to get back to work. This is a closed rehearsal."

_Never sure when the truth won't do  
And pretty good on a lonely night_

It took her three weeks to figure out where he lived.

He knew Rachel Berry better than she thought. He knew their encounter at the theater wasn't going to be her final attempt. If there was one thing she was good at, it was getting what she wanted.

So it wasn't exactly a shock when he found her sitting on the stairs in front of his door, passed out. Her head was resting against the cool railing, her purse clutched in her hands.

He puffed out a sigh and rolled his eyes heavenward. "What did I ever do to you?" He muttered to the powers that be.

Jesse shifted his messenger back to his other shoulder and knelt down in front of her sleeping form.

"Rach. C'mon, wake up. It's me." He whispered, lightly shaking her upper shoulder.

Her sleepy brown eyes cracked open and squinted into the dull hall light.

"Hi." She whispered, swiping the sleep from her eyes.

"What are you doing here?" He asked, holding her gaze.

"Why do you always start our conversations like that?" She countered.

"Why do you keep popping up all over the place?" He shot back.

She offered him a small smile and shrugged. "Maybe I like you a little bit."

His gaze dropped and he straightened. "You shouldn't."

He moved past her and unlocked his door, no longer wanting to carry on this conversation. He couldn't deal with her being this close, being in his personal space.

But, as he stated before, Rachel got what she wanted, she made sure of it.

He barely had the door open when she zipped in behind him.

He felt her at his back.

His shoulders sagged and a defeated sigh slipped from his mouth.

Before she could blink, he turned and pressed her up against the door.

"This… This was not the plan. I was doing everything in my power to avoid this situation. I am not good for you. I never have been and I never will be." He whispered, his eyes flitted between her chocolate brown eyes and those full lips.

"I don't agree with you." She replied, meeting his gaze.

He released a hoarse chuckle. "Yeah, I got that when you started stalking me." He bit out.

He was close enough to smell her. He tipped his head down, his nose barely brushing the strands of her dark hair, inhaled deeply, and committed the smell to memory.

It wasn't going to be him. He wasn't going to do it. He couldn't… And more importantly, he wouldn't.

But apparently, that was alright with her, because she was happy to do it.

She lifted herself onto the tips of her toes and pressed her lips to his.

He felt her arms snake around his neck while he slipped his around her slender waist.

He gripped her painfully close. Her lips moved against his, the tip of her tongue dragging along the seam of his lips, requesting entrance.

He granted her access, as if he could deny her anything at that moment.

"Let me stay tonight." She whispered when she pulled back.

He closed his eyes against the burn of the tears. He wouldn't tell her no, it was selfish, because he knew he wasn't her end game, even if she thought he was. He was selfish, he wanted the memory.

"Ok."

_I see you leaning, you're bound to fall  
I don't want to be that mistake_

He'd let this go on too long, six months too long to be exact.

She was in love with him.

Don't mistake his blunt statement for that of an arrogant man.

It wasn't arrogance.

It was the truth.

She'd ingrained herself into his life. Her coat hung in his hall closet. Her perfume sat on his dresser. Her toothbrush stood on his sink.

She loved him. She loved him enough to look past their history.

He loved her enough not to forget it.

He'd retrieved the small duffle she'd left there a few months previously. He blinked, pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. This was not something he _wanted_ to do, it was something he _needed_ to do.

Quietly, he collected the small items that belonged to her and placed them in the bag.

This was not going to go well. She was going to be incredibly hurt. She'd fight him tooth and nail. He'd want to give in. But he couldn't, not again.

_Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel  
You never know where they're gonna land  
First you're spinning, then you're standing still  
Left holding a losing hand_

Her tears had nearly broken him in two.

Her words cut him like a knife.

She pleaded. He refused.

She swore he'd regret this. He agreed.

She slapped him. He let her.

She snatched the bag from his hand and told him to forget she ever existed.

He could not.

_Walk away as if I don't care  
Learn to shoulder my mistakes  
Or built to fade like your favorite song  
Get reckless when there's no need_

He was to blame for all of this. He'd been weak, he'd given in, let her collapse the carefully constructed walls.

He remained stoic and cool through their interaction. She thought he was doing it because he was a cold hearted bastard.

He was doing it because it was the only choice. It was either show no emotion or beg her to stay.

And that was one thing he couldn't do. So he kept it together. He kept it together for her, even if she didn't see it that way.

Maybe if she walked away mad, she'd stay mad, and stay away.

Maybe she'd stay away and focus on something else. Focus on something like finding the man she was supposed to spend her life with.

_But one day you're gonna find someone  
And right away you'll know it's true  
That all of your seeking's done  
It was just a part of the passing through  
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand  
That I was better as a memory than as your man_

Sometimes, he hated being right.

But as he stood, hidden by foliage and an ancient willow tree, it was undeniable.

She gripped the hand of the man she would soon call her husband. Her gaze was unwavering and full of love.

He breathed a heavy sigh. As always, she was stunning. For a moment, he allowed himself to miss her, ache for her touch.

As quickly as he allowed it, he tamped it down. It would do him no good now.

It didn't matter. _He_ didn't matter.

And now she knew that. She finally understood.

That was all he wanted.


End file.
